What’s The Worst That Could Happen? Seduction Satire.

I decide to finally approach a cute girl in the cafe, but the moment she notices me she waves to the manager. Everyone in the coffee shop gawks at me as the manager approaches. “What seems to be the problem?” he asks her.

“This man was going to assault me. He looks like a pedophile rapist.”

“Yes, yes he does. Sir. Were you planning to assault this woman?”

“No, I wasn’t. I just wanted…”I try to explain my intent, but it’s too late. I am escorted to the door as the entire cafe scowls at me in disgust — because I’m such a creep.

I target a girl at the club, flanked by several others, all pouty and preening. I move beside her and dance, so that she might notice me. Then as I work up my courage to open, I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn in time to glimpse the white knuckles as the fist crushes my face. I lay on the floor absorbing a vicious flurry of boots to the stomach, balls, and head. It’s her boyfriend and all of his handsome, intellectual friends. Mostly from the elitest of cliques, Snapchatting my beating and thumbing cocaine in their silken pockets. I lose most of my teeth and now can’t have children.

I spot a beautiful woman crossing the street. I jog up to her and give her a direct compliment. As I do this, her smile flips upside down. She’s staring straight at my bald spot, then down at my chubby gut. I should have known she was too good for me. They always are. But my dating coach told me to. “Ewwww, creepy! Get away from me or I’ll call the fucking police!” she screeches. Then she escapes, crying real tears, and everyone on the street is looking at me, pointing and laughing. Several of them are on their phones to the police, while others hit publish on various social media outlets. I’m worse than a rapist.

I finally get a date with a pretty girl from my fraternity. No, she’s the prettiest. I really like her. I invite her back to my dorm, and she actually shows up. We watch some Adventure Time on my laptop, I show her some pictures from spring break, where I lost my virginity to an escort. But I’m just too nervous to make a move this time. I don’t know what to say, or do. God, is my dick small? I don’t know. Three hours go by and my balls are aching because I’m so horny. I’m such a pussy. The guys call me Nancy, but I just ignore them. She just sighs and gets up, leaves my dorm, so I never get to be alone with her again. Whatevs. She tells all of her friends what a pathetic loser I am, and now everyone knows. Stupid fucking ebooks.

A new girl in the office, 35, just like me. Make a funny observation and she sort of laughs, but what then? I don’t bloody know either. What to do…what to do!? If only my father taught me this. But no, he had to die in Vietnam with all the other teenagers and N#$%#$s. So of course I start to panic, heart beats faster, sweating and stammering and all that, Jesus I thought I was dying. She asks if I’m ok and I say I have to go to the bathroom. So I sit in there and smash my palm to my forehead and meditate. When I return I see her, and all of my bloody co-workers, and they’re laughing like, and so obviously talking about me. I go home and masturbate to that anime porn stuff, because I like it. I jerk it so hard and too dry, so that I rub the outer layer pink, and I have to be admitted to the hospital for emergency bloody grafting. How did that happen? And I quit my job because they all saw that and some other video on Instagram, or Reddit, or both. I don’t know with hidden cameras everyone now, even in people’s glasses. But I was fired.

I text a girl I met, and she doesn’t reply…

***This August, 2014, For $2k, I will come to any city in the world for one week and teach you daygame.  Contact me for a free consultation.***