How to Break Up With a Girl
There’s no easy way, yet it’s terribly easy.
You will hurt her feelings but it’s ok, because she can find a date on her worst day with less effort than you can on your best. You might not see them, but they’re there, the bastards, hanging from the rafters, dicks in hand, ready to leap down, claw you apart, fuck your corpse, eat your heart and steal her. So don’t feel too bad about it. Life is full of dissapointments and you’re just another one–like a beautiful sandwich with mould on the corner, or losing a great book ten pages from the conclusion.
They’re not that soft, in fact, you are much softer, or you wouldn’t be here, reading this.
Actually dude, she has already moved on.
Cindy came over with cupcakes, Becky brought the wine coolers, Tiffany booked a flight for the girls to Cancun, Ricky the gay friend brought the weed (and told her to be a slut.)
She posted a sad sounding status update on Facebook and received twenty seven likes and twelve comments along the line of, “What’s wrong? What can I do to help? (Dicks in hand.)
Oh, she’ll be ok. You are not Pablo Picasso, not Hemingway, not Mohammed Ali. She can do better.
And you don’t have to tell the truth. The truth is always best, but if don’t even know why, use, “I’m just not feeling it.” She won’t understand at first, but she never will because life is absurd. You had your time, and now it’s over. Quit the delusions. If it’s because she got fat, tell her you’re not attracted to the fat. If it’s because she’s a bitch, tell her she has become a bitch. At least she’ll have something to focus on and work toward. At least she will get angry instead of sad. Maybe she won’t even be upset.
You’re damn right.
I broke up with a girl about a month ago. In the past, I had taken the approach of ‘hoping it will get better’ (to the sound of unhappy months flushed away, never to be recovered), or that other classic approach of ‘ignoring her until she hates me and never wants to see me again’.
This time I sat her down, said ‘I don’t want to date you anymore.’ There were questions, there were tears, there was self-reproach, and then it was over. Weird part is, the whole time I had this big smile on my face that just wouldn’t go away. It seems harsh, but it was sincere. Funnily enough, she was happy to see it.
I broke up a long term relationship I carried on for 2 years, and at first tried to spare her feelings. Eventually it became apparent she wasn’t going to let it go when she started showing up on my doorstep. The last night I heard from her I ravaged her body like a silverback gorilla and called her a slut, just used up and abused. I felt terrible guilt as she cried on my chest and thanked me for being a beautiful person, but I knew it was for the best.
Be strong and end that relationship with hand. Don’t be a pussy.
Cindy came over with cupcakes, Becky brought the wine coolers, Tiffany booked a flight for the girls to Cancun, Ricky the gay friend brought the weed (and told her to be a slut.)
She posted a sad sounding status update on Facebook and received twenty seven likes and twelve comments along the line of, “What’s wrong? What can I do to help? (Dicks in hand.)
I like what you wrote there and it’s so true. The guy on the other hand will have a couple of buds get him drunk and then he mostly will have to suck it up.
Even if she was a bitch people will tell her she’s worthy of a better guy etc…
Too bad buys don’t check in to see how their friends are doing when they go through rough times.
My youngest brother once took his own life, my friends kind of expressed regrets then after a couple of weeks they seemed to have all but forget.
Conversely I have a female friend who’s son sadly did the same thing. The support she got was enormous and rightly so… at one point I asked my buddy how the father of deceased was doing?
He didn’t know because he hadn’t seen him.