Vancouver Dating Coach Stories: Christmas Drunk and Cock Block War Hogs

(I was reading some blogs by other dating coaches and noticed they were all so…professional. No swear words or funny stories. They don’t insult or speak of failure. Unfortunately, this is not life.)

Last night I was walking with a friend and we stopped to grab a slice of delicious, greasy pizza. A fairly hot female walks in with a group of friends. I look twice and decide she is worth the effort. She’s wearing a green shirt so I free associate. I tap her elbow, turn her and say, “Your shirt reminds me of Christmas. I love Christmas.”

A few minutes later she’s showing me her gangland style handshakes and pushing her thighs towards my groinal region. Sure, she’s hot, but she has a funny drawl from too much booze and potty mouth that sort of screams white trash.  Anyway.

I ignore her for a bit so she goes back to sit with her friends. I carry on stuffing my gourd with cheesy goodness and chatting with my wingman. Then I look across the pizzeria and we lock eye contact; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, finally Christmas girl winks and blushes, so I wink back, then she turns away.

I say, “Hey man. She’s going to walk over here. I’m gonna try to take her home.” And sure enough she gets up and walks over.

My main concern here is her friends. This girl is obviously down to party, but I doubt her, umm, I hate to say it but rather obese and gnarly looking friends probably won’t be too impressed if some random dude in the pizza shop steals their drunken comrade.

I whisper in her ear, “Hey. You should come with me. We’ll go on an adventure. Go get a drink.”

“Well, I’m with my friends though.”

“Yeah. Tell them you are going for a walk and you’ll text them later. It will be awesome. Let’s go!”

It’s almost on. The Christmas girl eventually bows to social pressure and gives me the boyfriend line, which is fine because I’m not really into potty mouth drunks. But hey, it’s hard to resist those hood rats. And it’s the only girl I talked to that night so I’m validated enough to sleep well.

My wingman being the hero that he is, has engaged the fatties and they love him. So I walk over to socialize but they sure don’t love me. One of them snarls, “Why are you standing here?”

I look her up and down, and say nothing.

“Go away. You aren’t taking our friend.”

I look at her and smile. Then I say, “If you touch me, I’ll make an animal noise.”

She just glares at me. I notice pizza grease on her chin but say nothing. She’s still hungry. She can smell my blood. I’m a little terrified.

“This guy thinks he has game,” she says, and sways a little, bumping into me. I make a screech like a monkey.

She pokes me again, I moo like a cow.

After a few gruelling minutes of vicious, unwarranted insults the chub chub gives up and says, “I like this guy!”

Here’s the lesson:

You can meet women at 2 am in pizza shacks.

Hot girls are usually nicer and easier to pick up than less attractive girls. They have more practice being awesome. Less attractive women get fed up with their hot friends being hit on all the time and get upset. They also have to be ten times nicer and thirty times more aggressive than their hot friends to get the same result. So they cockblock.

When girls are mean to you, just make animal noises and smile. Don’t get upset. They will eventually give up, usually after the owl noise if not before the moose.

Just because she has a nice body doesn’t mean she isn’t vulgar, alcoholic and filthy.

Good luck out there! (I love my job.)