I’m Never Getting Married

Dear world. This is a public statement.

I will never marry.

This does not mean that I believe marriage is wrong or bad. It simply in no way whatsoever benefits me. I applaud your desire for holy union under the banner of God, but I choose to opt out of the ritual.

When I was six years old my parents separated. I went with my mother and two sisters, and he moved to the nearest city to live as a bachelor and bed many single and taken women for years to come. My mother ended up dating several men over the next 14 years (she eventually dumped all of them, except for one that dumped her) until I moved out.

Out of all of my elementary school friends, I would say 50% of them came from single parent house holds. The friends who’s parents were still together were ripe with stories of grief and strife. And from my observations, these parents seemed bored and miserable. I looked and looked  for contrary evidence, but other than my own grandparents I was not able to find a single instance of what “happily married” meant. My grandpa didn’t seem happy. All he ever did was bitch and moan about nothing good being on tv. Grandma was oldschool. Her favourite activities were cooking, cleaning and cleaning after cooking. Maybe that’s why Grandpa stayed with her and produced 7 kids.

Then came my teenage years. I didn’t have a real girlfriend at that time, but many of my friends did. And these young romances never lasted. They always ended up becoming the annoying fighting couple. Always creating drama and embarassing everyone around them with their petty arguments.

I moved into adulthood and many of my friends had accidental kids, and several got married. I lost contact with all of them, except for the odd Facebook chat. Out of this batch about 10% of these unions are still together. And maybe 1% of those are “happily married.” Most of these men are miserable. They’re stuck in the suburbs with a once beautiful and friendly girlfriend who has now become an unsatisfied, fat, bitchy, suburban mommy. Not that the men are any better, spending their free time watching tv after returning home from a job they despise only to be bitched out by their grumpy wife. Sounds awesome! Good thing they signed that contract that will only cost tens of thousands of dollars to get out of.

Here’s what my future looks like: Travelling the world, making a small amount of money that will allow me freedom to live a minimalist lifestyle, do the things I want, and not give all my money for a new armoir, or a two week turbo vacation on a Mexican resort for assholes. I will have a sexy bisexual girlfriend, or I will be single and bedding new women on a weekly basis. I will not be baby sitting in the suburbs while my previously happy girlfriend becomes a miserable baby’s momma.

Now before you say “But my Grandparents have been married sixty seven years and they love each other!” or “My friend Chris and Samantha got married and they travel the world together, writing backpacker blogs!” Before you say this, I want to tell you…

I don’t care. Some people still find gold when they go camping near rivers. Not many though. So why should you spend all of your life camping beside rivers that might have a nugget of gold? I would understand if you love camping. Some people hate camping. But they sit by that fucking river, day after day, with the bugs and the sweat.

Now as for modern marriage, this is how the average beta male thinks:

I haven’t been laid in two years and I’m desperately lonely. Oh wait, this girl likes me. This girl sucks my dick. This girl invites me to her parents. She cleans my apartment. She teaches me how to dress well and nags me into finding a better paying job. Now she is acting distant. Uh oh! I might never meet another girl like her, ever again! I better marry her. Where’s my credit card, I need a diamond. If I don’t get married and have kids I will die old and lonely. She must be “The One.”

I’m not trying to make a strong case against marriage. I’m just saying, it’s not for me. I don’t desire marriage. I will never be married. I made this decision when I was 12 years old. I did the math and realized it just wasn’t worth it. And I definitely do not want children. But that’s another blog post.

Let’s go through the rationalization for marriage, just to see if Tony will change his mind (I’ve been through this with many friends).

“Tony, you will be old and lonely.”

“I studied seduction for over a decade. I don’t think I’ll ever have trouble finding a girlfriend.”

“Women will leave you if you don’t marry them.”

“I’ll find another.”

“But Tony, she won’t be the special one, the rare girl who will love you unconditionally.”

“Sigh.”

“Who will take care of you when you’re old?”

“My nieces and nephews and their kids. Or I’ll just go to an old folks home and go insane. Or I’ll hire a Cambodian goddess to be my love nurse.”

“You just haven’t met the right girl.”

“You can say that again. I better keep looking.”

“When you get older, you will change your mind.”

“I’m 35.”

“You don’t understand love.”

“Says the 50% divorce rate.”

“Nobody will love you.”

“When does a church, a ceremony and a legal document have anything to do with love, or loyalty?”

This is the way it is, a disclaimer for the women of my future. I will never, ever marry you. I will never, ever give you children. What I will do is love you, give you good emotions, protect you from whatever you need protection from, take you to parties, or travel with you to exotic locations and give you orgasms. As far as rings and alimony and Disneyland fantasies, no. I will never be happy sleeping with only one woman. The idea of being stuck to one person for the rest of my life is ridiculous. Monogamy is bullshit.

I do not have a problem with being with one woman for ever and ever. But if she thinks I will never sleep with another woman for the rest of her life, she’s living in Hogwarts. And I don’t need a legal document or church to dictate my love. It is not 1890 and we’re not ruled by the King’s court. Marriage is not a matter of survival and unless I’m marrying into wealth or to get my European visa, I don’t see how marriage benefits me, an eligible bachelor with nothing to lose and everything to gain by remaining so.

And that’s that.