My Most Powerful Manipulation Tactic: Authentic Communication

Manipulation: The skillful handling, controlling or using of something or someone.

A few years ago I had particularly difficult student; one of these guys who’ve gorged themselves on far too much pickup literature without doing the actual field work.

He was obsessed with having the exact line, the perfect witty comebacks, the magic words that would convince an otherwise uninterested girl to suddenly find him attractive. His strategy was totally indirect, utilizing vague, passive comments meant to demonstrate wit, but usually having the effect of coming off as stifled and rehearsed.

“All the girls just seem so, disinterested. Like, I can talk to them, but they always say, ‘I have to go to my friends now. Bye!’”

“Ok,” I asked him. “What do you want?”

“What do you mean?”

“Instead of asking yourself what you should do next, you should ask yourself, what do you want? Do you want a dance, a phone number, a kiss?”

“Yeah I want to kiss them.”

“Ok, the next time a girl say’s she has to go, say, “But I want to kiss you first.”

“Really? That’s it?”

“Yep. Just communicate your desire.”

“Ok I’ll try.”

A few days later, the student reported back to me:

“So how did it go?” I asked.

“I got two phone numbers a kiss and a makeout. Whenever the girl said she had to go, I just said, ‘But I want to kiss you;’ and that turned into a make out session. I took her to the couch and we kissed for like ten minutes. I got her number and I think I have a date this week. The other one just kissed me on the lips and went back to her friends.”

Ahhh, sweet manipulation. So powerful. Telling the truth! it’s like holding Sauron’s rings of power, and using it to unleash fun, pleasure and love upon the world.

That’s the closest thing you will ever get to magic. It’s called being, “authentic.”

Whenever I have a new relationship I like to set the framework by using authentic communication. My last long term monogamous relationship, I had a great girl, but she tended to show up late to our dates far too often. I invited her for dinner and she showed up thirty minutes late, without an explanation or apology. Since this was a new relationship I decided to set the frame of expectation.

“Babe,” I said. “I spent a long time preparing this dinner.”

“Yeah it looks good Tony. Thank you.”

“But you’re thirty minutes late, and it messed up my preparation. It’s cold now.”

“Oh.”

“If we make a date for a specific time, it’s important to me that you show up on time.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Just don’t do it again. Or at least text or call me to let me know you’ll be late.”

And guess what, for a year and a half, she was never late again. Actually, for many women in new relationships, having rules and boundaries are important, as they stave off the insecurity, doubt and jealousy that arises when she doesn’t know what boundaries exist.

In a relationship without communication, there are only vague notions of right, wrong, good and bad. This leads to insecurity, because she doesn’t know what to do to keep you happy.

Something as simple as communicating, “I don’t want you to be late,” is good for the relationship because if she knows that a relationship contract exists, then her doubt that you are running around cheating might be subdued. She knows what, “not to do,” to keep you happy.

I also tell women I like having my back scratched. So as long as she knows what I like, she’s happy. As long as she follows the contract, she won’t feel like she doesn’t know what to do to keep her man happy and loyal.

Of course women are encouraged to discuss their own boundaries and limitations with their men. This is healthy communication, as opposed to vague, passive aggressive behaviour. Rules must exist.

And the best way to communicate, is to utilize authenticity. Be real about your desires. Verbalize them. This might mean losing your lover, but that’s life. Being honest won’t always lead to success. But it will lead to healthy relationships where honest communication is integral.

Authentic Communication

When you approach a girl and things seem awkward, say, “Wow. This seems a little bit awkward. Let’s start again. Hello.” This calls out the white elephant, and eases the tension by demonstrating your social intelligence.

When your girlfriend freaks out about something, don’t argue while you’re both emotional. Let her vent her emotions, and when you’re both calm, preferably after makeup sex, have your, “real talk,” and tell the truth. Use authentic communication to set your new relationship parameters.

It’s not only in romantic relationships that authentic communication is useful. Once upon a time I purchased a sweater. I put it into my bag and went to work. Later when tried it on, I realized it didn’t actually fit. So I tried to return it.

The manager stood in front of his staff and told me, “We can’t take this back. It smells like banana.”

“It was in my bag beside my lunch. But it was never worn.”

“I’m sorry, but we can’t take this sweater back.”

I could have flipped out, yelled, or simply walked away. Instead, I communicated authentically:

“I have a question for you. How much does it cost your company to buy one sweater, and where are they produced?”

“They’re from Bangladesh.” He said. “They cost about fifty cents each.”

“Have you ever met the owner of this company?”

“No. He lives in New York.”

“If you let me exchange this sweater, will the people involved in your returns every question you, or contact the owner of this company?”

“No.”

“How about this. You can exchange this sweater that cost your company fifty cents, or you can lose a customer who might potentially spend thousands of dollars, for life.”

He thought about this for a minute, then looked at his employees, and then at me.

“Go pick a new sweater.”

This is a big subject I’ll explore more in future posts if you’re interested. Let me know in the comments.