Mastery and Emotions: The Art of Control for a Fulfilling Life

Most young men have no concept of mastery, or emotional control.

It’s not surprising considering the state of the modern world, where most fathers are absent or useless.

And that’s the tip of the iceberg.

My 17-year-old nephew has a pretty girlfriend. Good for him. 

One of his hobbies is woodworking. He’s very new to the craft, and most of his creations are amateurish. 

Amateurish is fine as he’s still learning, except that he’s very impatient. Like most young people he wants results right now. 

One day they went to the garage together to work on a small end table. While he built the table, she did an engraving.

I thought, now that’s a great dynamic. She’s supporting her man by assisting him rather than just staring at TikTok on her phone. 

After an hour my nephew realized he’d made a critical error in his design. I heard a stream of swear words coming from his workshop. 

“F$ck this Sh*t! I worked all f$%king day on this bullsh$t and now it’s $f%cked!. I can’t believe I f%cking didn’t even get it right. Now I have to…” 

He carried on for a few minutes and then started smashing his table, breaking off pieces and tossing them onto the floor. His girlfriend consoled him, “It’s okay, you can make another!” 

“No! You don’t understand! I worked so hard on this!” 

Finally, I’d heard enough and said, “Quit your whining and start again.” He stormed out of the house. 

For the next week, he didn’t step foot into his workshop. He just played video games and watched videos on his phone. 

I asked him about the incident in his woodshop, and I told him if he acted the way he did on a regular basis, he’d soon be single. 

“Well,” he replied, “If she’s going to leave me because I was upset then she wasn’t a good girlfriend anyway.” 

“No,” I replied. “If she leaves you it’s because you drove her away. She tried to warn you. I heard her. She said, ‘It’s okay, you can make another.’ A man who can’t control his emotions doesn’t deserve a beautiful girl.” 

He sat silent, listening, then said, “Well if she tells me she’s going to leave me just because…” 

“No nephew,” I interrupted, “she won’t tell you anything. She will just leave you. Women loathe male weakness. Most women will also do anything to avoid conflict. She won’t tell you she’s leaving you, or why. But one day you’ll look up, and she will just be gone. And when you ask yourself why this happened, just remember that Uncle Tony told you why.” 

“But that is how I feel. Would she dump me just for expressing how I feel? How is that weakness?”  

“Have you seen the movie The Titanic?” I asked. 

“Yea.” 

“When the ship is sinking who do you think a woman wants to be with? Leo Dicaprio, cool, in control of his emotions, or the guy running around, screaming and losing his mind?” 

I saw the look of understanding come across his face, easing the tension. “I would want to be Leo.” He said. 

A few days later my nephew asked, “What should I build? I want to make something that I can sell.” 

“At this stage, you are an amateur, and nobody is going to pay you for amateurish work.” 

“So what do I do then?” 

“You make mistakes. You build something, you screw it up, and then you build something else, and screw it up. You need your ten thousand hours of experience. And you’re not allowed to get pissed off, scream, smash things, or cry about it.” 

He thought for a second. “You’re right. I’m just going to make things. I’m an amateur and I need experience.” 

“Once you gain mastery in anything, people will pay just to speak to you about it. But this will take a tremendous amount of time and focus.” I said. “You need to earn your mastery. Nothing is given to you for free.” 

He then went to his workshop and spent the day on his new project, which was another small table. This table although amateurish, was better than his previous attempt. 

As far as controlling his emotions, we discussed the role of ego in the human experience, and I gave him several tips on how to calm himself before he loses control of his emotions. 

And I think this holds so many men back from achieving greatness. 

They aren’t willing to put in the time. To expend the calories necessary to gain mastery. 

Not only will they never gain mastery over a useful skill, they will never gain mastery over their own emotions. 

Wisdom like this isn’t something they teach in school.

It is wisdom that is lost on generations of boys growing up without fathers, or with useless fathers. 

It is lost on the generations of boys being raised by their smartphones, by parents too stupid and lazy and distracted to care whether their child is growing as a human, or just wasting their time with video games, social media and streaming pornography. 

Mastery is the key to happiness. If you work towards it, you will always feel fulfilled. This is because all mastery is mastery of yourself. 

But don’t be too focused on the result. If you’re always racing towards your destination you’ll lose the view. Every decision you’ve ever made has lead to right now. 

Right now is what matters. 

Do something that matters, right now. And when tomorrow becomes right now, appreciate what you’ve created within yourself. 

A man who cannot control his emotions is not a man… he’s still a boy. 

When you gain mastery over a skill, you will also gain a small amount of mastery over your emotions. 

All woman are drawn towards mastery, because they themselves seek to be mastered by a powerful man.

As for emotional mastery

If you need to smash things, join a kickboxing gym. 

If you need to express your anger, or sorrow, start a band, write a poem, or hike ten miles into a forest and scream all you want. 

But unless you want your woman to lose all respect for you, don’t lose your shit in front of her. 

Tony Depp

P.S. If you’re interested in private coaching over video, look here.