Never Be Ashamed Of Your Dick
Boy, do I love jerking off.
When I was a wee lad, a friend and I were playing with my uncle’s vibrating massage fist. It was meant for your shoulders and arms, or whatnot, but we were creative. I’d turn that fucker up to ten, sneak up behind my friend and jam it into his neck, or up his butt. Good healthy fun.
One day, my friend bet me a dollar I wouldn’t hold it on my dick for longer than a minute.
Oh man, I took that bet. And then I took that bet every day for a month. I’d hold that thing there, and this rising wave would engulf me, and it was like all my life I’d had this awesome power that nobody told me about.
My buddy, always the philanthropist, called me up. “Anthony. You don’t need the fist! You can do it with your hand!”
“Oh…really.”
I became a world class expert, taking every opportunity to tug that thing into blissful oblivion.
I never missed a chance. When my mom went to the store for smokes, after cartoons, before breakfast, and after dinner behind the cherry tree in my backyard. It was great.
Then my buddy told me about the next level.
“Has the stuff come out yet?”
“The stuff?”
“Yeah. The white stuff.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Oh…”
Where was the white stuff? This called for further experiments.
I tugged, slapped, pinched and vibro fisted that thing into pulp, until it was damn near purple, and still no white stuff. I figured it must be broken.
It wasn’t until many months later that I was alone, laying on my Transformers bedsheets when it happened. It just shot out like a geyser. It almost hit the roof! Amazing! And kinda gross.
My love affair with my dick never ended. But growing up around all girls, no brothers, there were never adult conversations about whacking it. Not until one day, my mom’s boyfriend saw me scratching my twelve year old nuts while watching tv and joked, “Why don’t you go in the bathroom and do that?”
The bathroom had long been my spankariffic sanctuary, the toilet where I offered food to the phallic gods. I couldn’t help it, Winnie Cooper was so hot, and walking around with a stiffy all day sucked ass. I was so embarrassed.
The shame and embarrassment stuck with me for years. Until highschool came and I made friends with a bunch of dudes who constantly joked, and talked about tugging it, even around girls. And nobody gave a shit.
“Yeah, so I was whacking off the other day…”
And all the girls would giggle.
Nobody really cared.
So many of my students turned red faced if I ask them how often they jerk off. They can’t seem to find the motivation to go out, to meet new women. “How often do you jerk off?”
“I don’t.”
“Liar.”
And some of these guys are just too ashamed to admit they spank the monkey.
Never, ever be ashamed of jerking off. Everyone jerks off. Jerking off is good, in moderation. Personally, I jerk off a lot, but rarely blow my load. I get just close enough, and then stop. It trains me to be a better lover, and helps to keep the energy, the life force necessary to create my art.
Jerking off is good. Blowing your load twice a day via Chaturbate, bad.
Your mission for today is to tell someone a story about jerking off. Not on a random Internet forum (other than my comments), but real life. Just bring it up in a conversation, at a party perhaps. “Yeah, so I was jerking off the other day, and I thought…”
It could be funny, or embarrassing. Shit, maybe you’re a porn addict. But if you are embarrassed that someone might know that you jerk off, then how do you expect to pull a hot girl out of a bar? How could you, if you’re afraid of talking about your dick?
Say it. “I jerk off. I love jerking off. I do it all the time. Jerking off is the Jane to my King Kong.”
You have a dick, you’re a man, and don’t ever apologize for that.
Hey Tony,
Do you think jerking off ever actually HURTS our energy? Like motivation to approach girls or accomplish other stuff? I read that a lot in pickup advice. Mark Manson said that we should masturbate only once every week or two (and that we should imagine a women we have met in real life).
Yeah, for myself it hurts my motivation a lot. That’s why I don’t always come. I just get really close. I can actually withhold the release and my body just takes it back. Then I’m able to have a few orgasms without shooting. I regenerate faster. I’ve gone from every day to only when I can’t really tolerate it, if I don’t have a girl.
My friend is 72 , he jerks. “I still do it” , he said to us one day. We were picking him up for work , ( to go to work , scrap ( metal )) , last summer. We were taking about sleeping in a Homeless Shelter at night. The “Aboriginal Shelter” , .Main & Terminal , is where we were talking about. Not sure why it’s called Aboriginal , mostly White people , etc. , there.
” I’m not sure l could sleep there , with all that hacking , snoring , & other embarrassing noises , like the smelly kind. The young guys pounding their privates , all night long ” , l said. That’s when 72 buddy made that comment. He didn’t go into detail. l didn’t enquire.
When l see him next l will. I wonder how many times ( pop a nut ) ? Could it be possible he do it more then once ( at his age ) ? If so , does goo come out ? It’s pretty private stuff , Tony. I suppose l could buy him a rock , to get the staight goods. That way , it’ll be win – win – win , for all concerned. l not want disrespectful him. Not sure if your readers will find the results of my fact finding mission interesting. Is it “To much information” , as the saying goes ? This particular guy is quite virile ( is that the right word ? ) He does collections downtown. That’s why he not stay at First United ( church ) homeless shelter. he knocked out a couple guys from Central America , both in their mid to early 30’s , right inside First United. He no longer allowed to stay there , he must stay at Aboriginal.
Aboriginal sleeping quarters is a big room , dormitory style. I could also ask him about night – time noises , when every one is supposed to be sleeping.
As for myself , when l was a kid ( 20s ) , l went to the doctor because l had a blister on “Little -buddy” . It looked like a watery – pus smallish , round thing. A very ugly , worrisome , extreme V.D. looking , sac of embarassement for me , (when l showed the male doctor ). All he said , in a disgusting tone ,.Put your pants back on”t
… Oops , l didn’t mean to send that. “Too late for fate” ( as the story goes ). I may as well finish my story , since it’s sent ( & published , Tony ? ) Do you edit or proof read , first ? I hope so , Tony. Or if it’s better that you not proof read before publish , then do it that way ( you have my support ). Of course you may change your mind after my writing ( always check Tim’s reply before publish ).
That’s all the doctor said to me. He may have said , “Go” ( Leave this place ) I can’t remember. I left his office. Blister is gone now. I did at some point figure out why l had blister on “Li ‘ l – buddy”. It wasn’t from a caring , loving woman. The 5 spinsters “with a death grip on procreation” , no doubt , interceded.
That’s all l got Tony ( & readers ? ). I’m sorry if this writing is to long. Also l appologize if my writing offends anyone (dirty ). Or is boring. I’m very sorry everone , l’m not in a humorous state these days. I am definately going to try “not popping it”. At least l may shed some guilt. At best a new & fabulous sexual skill !!!
If it’s possible for us ( me ) , mere mortals , to develop & grasp this new skill , how should we incorporate it in our rap ? Or should it be a surprise , for the lucky lady ? “Miss , l have a skill , you’re going to like. But l can’t tell you , l can only show you.” Then what ?
Thank you for the mind – expanding , again Tony !!
ps: if anyone besides Tony ( the councellor ) , reads this , please disregard. Thank you.
Haha. That’s a good story. No, I don’t need to know about the jerking off habits of old men at the shelter. Just saying, don’t be ashamed of your sexuality if it doesn’t hurt anybody.
I love my body, but not possible for me to be proud of my penis because I’m ashamed of the vandalism someone inflicted upon it. I hate being a walking advertisement for genital mutilation.
Agreed, jerking off is great! As human beings we have sensible hands and we can use them for it. That way masturbating is human.
But, what’s wrong with Chaturbate? Their corporate logo already tells us that wanking is a common experience and there is no point of hiding it in the poison cabinet. Broadcasting there I am sexual being and the code of conduct includes jerking off. The spectators yearn for it. Even if I would be spotted there by a colleague, I would be comfortable with it.
Conversely, when a colleague would tell me that he wanks, I would be embarrassed.