When Pickup Isn’t Working
Let’s reach into today’s mail bag.
Hi Tony. I read your book a while back and it inspired me to continue working on pick up. I had started trying to improve with women in 2012, but it was never easy. I couldn’t even ask a girl for the time when I first started, let alone her number. in 2014 I stopped approaching because it was getting redundant, then I read your book a few months ago.
Nowadays I can approach with minimal anxiety, can touch the girl (but only if I feel she’s open to it) and have gotten 2 numbers last weekend. I phoned the one girl and she hung up on me lol. I feel like I’m limping along, one failure at a time, much like you made it sound in your book. I also feel like I’m not creating any attraction at all and honestly was hoping that my confidence and indifference would win these girls over, but it just seems like it’s made me fearless but still a non-entity to women.
I would say my biggest challenge is how to create a want in the girl and being assertive, stating what I want instead of always asking. I spoke with a married woman last night at a grocery store and she was blushing and smiling while talking to me, but kept saying no. I brought up marriage and how there’s no such thing as a happy one even though she insisted she was happy. I didn’t believe it, and told her so, but still, no meeting.
I’ve read a lot about pua theory, what makes one attractive, how to get the girl, etc. Some say it’s confidence (have that I believe) some say it’s balls (definitely got that) some say it’s indifference (I have that too, to almost unhealthy levels), some say it’s physique (don’t have that, I’m skinny, but it looks like you are too so that gives me hope lol) some say it’s looks/style (don’t really have one).
So yeah, I guess I don’t know what to believe anymore, and am starting to believe it’s just not meant for me. What would you say?
I would say it’s up to you. Whether you want to chase women for sport, or not, is entirely your choice.
How do you create attraction exactly? Is it push/pull, teasing, fashion, fame, power, provider attributes, bad boy vibe, muscles, mystery? All of the above? Who fucking knows? What’s the answer? Why is it so damn hard to get laid, to find a good girlfriend? Arrrghhh!
Seriously. After ten years of studying this stuff, I have no idea. Pick your role, and play it to the best of your ability. If it doesn’t work, try the exact same technique with another girl, and then another, and another, and another, and another, until something sticks.
I’ve taken a year off women. Seriously. No dating. No banging. Just the odd coffee date. I told myself I would not pursue women at all, just to see what would happen. And guess what happens when an average looking guy, of average status, stops pursuing women with unbridaled enthusiasm?
Nothing. You just won’t have women in your life, romantically.
Is that so terrible?
What’s wrong with the idea of not pursuing women? Just, not chasing them anymore?
It is an option.
When I went to Vietnam I felt what it’s like to have high sexual market value. I didn’t have to do anything but post a decent pic on vietnamcupid.com, and take applications. I experienced the abundance that a young, pretty girl experiences in North America. So I get it. I get what it feels like to be in demand.
Imagine this metaphor: You offer a millionaire $50, to hang out with you for a day.
Why would a millionaire spend their time with someone, who can only offer them $50? What else can you bring to the table? Knowledge? Access to your social circle?
When you get a beautiful girl’s number, and you wonder why she won’t meet up with you, it’s because she is a millionaire, and you are offering her $50 to hang out with you.
I’ve always said that pickup is a skillset, not a lifestyle. My advice to men is to not only work on cold approach, but also lifestyle. Focus on money, status, fame, muscles, and other aspects of your life.
Imagine a girl meets a guy. The guy approaches her, and she finds out he’s in a band, or plays on a well known sports team, or writes for a well known blog, or hosts great parties, or teaches a popular yoga program. If her friends already know who you are, the chances that she will chase YOU, are much, much higher, because you have more than just a $50 to offer her. You have game, and lifestyle.
In Vietnam, a girl will be congratulated by friends and family for dating a foreigner. It’s not really the money, like the mainstream narrative thinks it is. It’s the status, the potential for adventure, and recognition by her peers, that makes dating a foreigner so attractive.
In the past ten years, 90% of the women I dated in Canada, were either foreigners, or new in town. What could I offer a girl who is new in town, that I couldn’t offer a local? Everything. Social circle, knowledge, adventure. And in return, the girl will give you her love and attention, and sex.
The local girls that I dated long term from cold approach? Mostly drunken hookups from clubs. And almost always, they were the ones to halt communication with me. These girls just wanted to get laid, which is cool. But they didn’t need anything. So there was no incentive to form a longer relationship.
I remember when I was on the cover of the Vancouver Province. I had women from my life, ex girlfriends, women who had rejected me, coming out of the woodwork, “Tony. Hey, what have you been up to?”
I’m not hating on that, but think about it. What could a guy with a little bit of social power, offer them? More adventure. Access to new and interesting people. A more interesting life. A fantasy.
Romance is a trade off. It’s a transaction.
If you want, more than anything, to have sexual abundance, romantic abundance, then you’ll need to do a massive amount of cold approaching.
If you’re not popular, extremely good looking or wealthy, then you will need to meet a lot more girls than you are now.
There is just no other way, and being upset about this truth won’t do anything for your self-esteem, or sex life.
Keep working on your game, spinning the roulette table, and meeting as many women as you can. While also thinking long term, about your lifestyle. Where, or what country will you live? How much money will you make? How much status do you want? What sort of women do you want? What sort of life do you want?
Answer these questions, and you’ll be able to develop a strategy that goes beyond just approaching girls on the street.
Or just lower your standards.
Great post Tony. Increasingly I am leaning towards the school of thought of “build it and they will come.” Lifestyle, money, career / business, more muscles, better style, reading, travelling – these things all help a man to become even higher value.
Some guys use “working on their value” as a form of avoidance to excuse themselves out of approaching, but guys like your reader sound like they have really put in the work in the field. There comes a point of diminishing returns and burn-out from focusing on solely approaching and dating. A men should also focus on improving his life. For me, a woman will always be the side dish to compliment my mission, never the main course in my life.
Thanks Lee.
Debauchery is fun, for both boys and girls, to an extent. But growing a garden is fun too.
Hi Tony, I was surprised to see you featuring my email. Didn’t know you’d do that, but since you responded in your blog, I’ll ask my follow-ups here as well.
First of all i’m confused as to what “game” is. From reading your book, it seems to me you didn’t have a whole lot of status, money, physique or anything, yet you learned pick up. So what did you learn? i.e. What is “game”?
Seems your advocating “having a life” yet, like i said, in your book (no offense) you didn’t seem to have much of one at all when you got good at pick up (and this is part of what inspired me, of course)
Second thing I’m confused/wondering about is, if having a high-status place in society is all it takes, why the pua movement to begin with? This is the exact same advice we’ve been given from disney and other media mediums ever since we were children. Not hating or anything, just trying to understand “what” “it” is.
And finally, not having women in my life romantically is EXACTLY where I’ve been all my life. The whole reason I’ve worked on myself (confidence, approach anxiety, balls, etc) is to no longer live in “involuntary celibacy”.
As Lee mentioned, this is hardly the case of a forum-lurking, mental-masturbating nerd-alpha, but someone who has put himself to the limits and beyond. I honestly do not care about the rejections or “failures” but i DO care about the goal. So, what’s the key? What am I missing? Because I don’t believe it’s simply having status and money etc. i.e. What is “game”?
Game is the ability to make girls want to sleep with you. Look at old Mystery Method, or any pickup advice. It all comes down to displaying high value, having a girl become attracted to you. It’s everything from being a wizard with words, to alpha male body language, style, etc. Having social status is just easier. It’s not Disney to be realistic. Honestly, having to use “game” is a pain in the ass. But what choice do we as men have, if we’re not rich or famous?
Very few dating coaches talk about status, because most men can’t achieve it easily in their lifetime. I’m just saying, there are alternatives to cold approaching.
I see, so there is a way then, which is good. I’ve never read anything by Mystery. Currently I’m reading (on and off) Mode One by Alan Roger Currie, and I’m watching Daygame Blueprint by Andy Yosha and Yad. The emphasis of these are to “:be yourself” BUT, in my experience, being yourself simply is not enough.
I’m curious actually why you say game is a pain in the ass. Didn’t it help you become this super successful guy with women? Isn’t that a great ability to have? I must be missing something because if I had a job that payed me in hot pussy instead of dollars I wouldn’t mind working at all. Essentially, game is acting, and you get payed however you wish via steering things the way you want them to go. TRUE self-created experiences. Master of your own reality and etc. Sounds great.