You Will Always Be Judged By People. Especially When Approaching

What if they judge me?

“See that girl over there in the food court?” I said to my student. “I want you to approach her, and ask her how good her food is from one to ten.”

The student looked a little but concerned. There was an obvious layer of sweat on his forehead. He didn’t move his feet.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Well, it’s just, there are a lot of people around her.”

I looked around the food court. There were at least two dozen Americans stuffing their chubby faces.

“Ok, why do you care what they think?”

“Well,” he said, “I guess I feel like they’ll judge me, or it’s rude or something.”

“Do you feel like an evil man?”

“No,” he laughed.

“Are you a bad person?”

“No, I am not.”

“Then why do you care what they think? Are they going to put you in prison, or fire you from your job, or take away your car, or shame you in the media as a street harasser for telling her you find her pretty?”

He stared at me while the hamster in his head ran a marathon in it’s tiny wheel.

“No.” He stood up straight. “You’re right. It doesn’t matter. I’ll never see any of them again. And even if they judge me, it won’t affect my life.”

“Correct.” I said. “So get your ass over there and try to get her number. And besides, most people who hear or see you, will think you are awesome.”

And then he did. Or, he tried at least. And this is what I do every weekend.

A long time ago when we lived in small, nomadic tribes, the act of leaving your tribe, and approaching another, might mean death. A new and strong member might challenge the leader for control of the resources (food and women), but perhaps be a good warrior or hunter, and a valuable asset. But a weak member could be easy to control, but suck resources. It wasn’t an easy choice for a tribal leader to make — whether or not to allow a new member. Often, it was just easier to kill the newcomer with a spear, and offer his lifeless body to the gods.

This is one reason why we fear judgement. That suppressed instinct that says, “If you approach this girl, you may have to fight to the death.”

Approaches That Fail

In a bad approach, the worst that will happen is she will reject you, or a few people might giggle, or frown. Big deal.

You’re not going to be maced. Nobody is calling the police. Your mom and dad aren’t going to yell at you.

Sometimes my students approach a girl, get a number or a kiss, and then they’re applauded by observers. “That was awesome man! That takes balls!” They say.

The courage it takes to risk embarrassment is very attractive. It commands respect.

The act of approaching is attractive to the woman being approached. In her ancient brain, the fact that you are approaching her with intent, rather than cat-calling from a distance, means that you are willing to risk embarrassment (ancient death) just to meet her. How brave he is, she thinks.

So what if people see, or hear you, flirting with a girl?

So what?

So what?

Let them judge you

You are a good person, and any woman you approach is lucky to have met you.

Any man who witnesses your technique is lucky to have learned from you.

And after every judgment, failure and applause, you will care less what anyone think of you, and what you do with your time and energy. Because your life is fun and good, and theirs— maybe not so much.