Where Does Your Motivation Come From?

Why are some men highly motivated to learn pickup, while others struggle to even go outside? Why do some men achieve great success in their career, or their health, while their social life withers to dust?

The answer is “motivation:” the mysterious force driving us towards our goals. 

I hear it all the time. “Tony, I need to find my motivation.” As if it’s something they’ve misplaced. “Where is it? Did it fall into the sofa? Did I leave it at Starbucks?” 

Do You Have Vision?

When clients contact me wanting to learn how to approach women. The first question I ask is “Why?” 

Why do you want to approach women? 

Is it for sexual release? Couldn’t you just masturbate? Is it because a real woman feels better than your hand? Aren’t there escorts and brothels for that? Or maybe you’re lonely? Can’t friends and family satiate that need? 

It’s rarely as shallow as just wanting to have sex. 

When I asked myself what motivated me to approach thousands of women, I discovered that improving my skills was what motivated me. 

Yes, I wanted to have sex. But really, I wanted to know that I was worth it. I wanted the girls I’d lusted after to see me as their equal. I wanted personal power, to be charismatic, and attractive. 

The more I went out and practiced talking to women, the better I got at it. I felt like I was rising to some grand finale, where I’d end up rich, powerful, or famous… like Gandalf, or Gene Simmons. 

It was the path of achievement that motivated me. 

But if you’d asked me back then, I’d probably just say, “I want to hook up with hot girls.” 

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

In 1943 the psychologist Abraham Maslow published his theory of human motivation now titled, “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.” 

He detailed a pyramidal structure, outlining the five levels of motivation. 

Needs lower down on the pyramid must first be satisfied before attending the higher needs. From the bottom up, the needs are: Physiological, Safety, Love/Belonging, Esteem, and Self-Actualization. 

The model is divided into lower deficiency needs, like food, warmth, and shelter, and higher growth needs like self-esteem, achievement, and peak experience. 

Take a look at it, and ask yourself, where are you in your life? Are you just trying to get by, to pay for that roof over your head? To have an orgasm in as many girls as possible before you die? Or are you looking to self-actualize? 

Most likely, you’re motivated closer to the “love/belonging section than you realize. But rather than propelling you forward, it’s your sense of deficiency holding you back. 

Positive motivation is always more empowering than negative. 

“One’s only rival is one’s own potentialities. One’s only failure is failing to live up to one’s own possibilities. In this sense, every man can be a king, and must therefore be treated like a king.”

Abraham Maslow

Deficiency needs arise due to deprivation and motivate us when they’re unmet. For example, if you’re dying of thirst you’d be highly motivated to dig a well. If you were freezing to death, you’d be motivated to build a fire, or find shelter. 

Growth needs are motivations on the self-actualization level, at the tip of the pyramid. Imagine the Guru who’s accumulated freedom from lower deficiency needs, and can now focus on philosophy, art, travel, and the path to spiritual enlightenment. Sexual conquest becomes low on his motivational priorities, however, mastering all the positions of the Kama Sutra in order to have a six hour full body orgasm may be up there. 

Most aspiring womanizers are motivated somewhere near the third tier of love/belonging (sexual intimacy, friendship) or lower, because they’re in deep deficit. But the men who succeed in mastering this art of seducing women, having met their deficit, start looking up the pyramid to loftier, more fulfilling goals. 

Getting Stuck on Tier 4

Over the years of my debauchery, travelling the world running bootcamps, I became rather bored of the whole subject. Yet… I kept doing it. I knew exactly how to pickup beautiful women, I had many years of experience, but I didn’t want to do it. Why? 

The process wasn’t as rewarding as it once was. There were no new intellectual, or spiritual insights. I also had little desire for a wife, kids or even a girlfriend. For the first time, I had to put real effort into motivating myself to socialize with beautiful women. 

I fell into a depression. My entire business revolved around a subject I’d studied for more than ten years, but was no longer interested in. In my spare time, I wanted nothing to do with it. 

I didn’t want to talk to another man about his dick, or go approach another hundred women. I came to dread going to bars, not because I had approach anxiety, but because it felt like a video game I’d played too many times. It became predictable, and boring. 

I didn’t know why I felt so crazy. Why I was socially isolating myself. Why my neglected coaching business was failing. The truth is, I was limiting my growth. I’d moved out of deficiency, looking up the tiers of Maslow’s needs, but was holding myself back from climbing higher. 

The key was to let go of the desire for sexual conquest, and explore other areas of deficiency. For me, that was my physical health, my relationships with friends, family, and my artistic/intellectual pursuits (outside of seduction). By changing my focus to higher goals, I found my purpose once again. I could still be a coach, I could still follow my interests and hobbies, and still make a great living. 

I just had to discover my new motivations. 

What Are Your Deficiencies? 

After wasting so much time, I decided I could focus the energy I’d used for picking up women into other areas of my life. I’ve since travelled to sixteen new countries, written a novel, re-connected with my close family, paid off my tax debt, and vastly increased my coaching income through online Life Coaching. I’m more motivated than ever, and I’m even dating again. 

What changed? I discovered the secret ingredient to motivation, success, fulfillment and happiness (totally not a secret). 

Ready for it?

Take Responsibility For Your Own State

If you’re miserable, that’s your fault. And the only way to dig yourself out, is by searching for the answers, and then taking responsibility. You have to do the work. 

If that means learning how to seduce beautiful women, so be it. If that means getting up two hours earlier so you can go to the gym before work, then do it. For me, it meant going back to school to learn an entirely new coaching method, and rebranding my business. It meant getting back in shape, and reconnecting with my family. It meant challenging my entire existing belief system. 

You won’t truly know what motivates you, until you’re motivated. If it’s not life and death, or some drastic deficiency that moves you, then you’ll have to explore and discover what truly motivates you. Maybe it’s not women you really want? Maybe it’s power, self-esteem, safety, or intimacy? 

Why do you want to succeed with women? 

When I ask men why they want to learn game… they say things like, “I want to increase my social skills…” 

“Social skills. Interesting. Why?” 

“To … ummm, be more confident…” 

“Confidence is good. For what?” 

“To… errr, ummmm…” 

“Why?”

“I want to date hotter women.” 

“Why?” 

“Because… I haven’t… I want choice.” 

“Choice is good. Why do you want choice?” 

“Ummm, errr….”  

If you struggle to motivate yourself to go out, take action, and approach women, it’s probably because you don’t really know yourself. You may think you do, but you don’t. 

It’s the same reason you may want more money, better health, to travel, or change careers… yet you never do. Because you think you want these things, but you don’t even know why. 

If I asked you this question: What’s better… Vanilla, or Chocolate? Which would you choose? 

Is vanilla really better than chocolate? 

How about blonds vs redheads? Why? 

What are Your Core Values? 

I’m going to give you a list of words. I want you to pick the one that best suits what you would consider your core value. 

• Honesty
• Truth
• Loyalty
• Friendship
• Honor
• Work Ethic
• Happiness
• Freedom
• Peace
• Justice
• Strength
• Empathy
• Abundance 
• Self-Expression
• Confidence

It’s hard to pick one, isn’t it? 

In one of my life coaching exercises, I give the student a list of about one hundred core values. By going through this process of choosing values, the student begins the path of realizing what motivates them. 

If it’s love, loyalty and honor… quite often they’re really looking for a wife and kids. This may be a beautiful goal… but it isn’t a deficiency that’s strong enough to get you into a nightclub and cold approaching. However, it might motivate you enough to attend singles events, or join a co-ed soccer team. 

The “Why?” is more important then the “How?”

For a long time I struggled with money. It wasn’t because I was lazy… I was motivated by freedom. So I made just enough money to be free from working at a job I hate. I met my core deficiencies by living in a tiny $520 a month apartment, and then moving to even cheaper countries where I could live on much less. It was a good short term goal, and helped me save some money, while facilitating travel. 

Then I realized one of my core value was community, that what I really want is to gain wealth in order to care for my family. I want to achieve success to spread my message across the globe, to find new like-minded friends, that I want to help a lot of people… and for that I need money. A lot of money. 

 When you discover the “why” you’ll finally be motivated to act on the “how.” Not research for another year, but actually do the work necessary to realize your ambition. 

Life Coaching

Do you want to discover your core values? To unlock your potential, and understand your motivations? 

This may require some deep investigation. It may take years of research. That’s where I can help you. As a Life Coach, I can guide you, and help you find the solutions, the keys to your focus, and purpose. 

Sure, I can give you tips to help get the girls. But what’s even more powerful, is that I can help you unlock your potential. The time you spend wandering-lost is costing you. Life is short. 

All you need to do is go here, put in your email and I’ll give you a free, exploratory coaching session. 

Until next time. 

Tony