When a No Means Not Yet

When it comes to seducing a woman, too many men, give up way too easily. 

Think of the last time you bought something you initially didn’t want. I have a friend who loves fishing. He wanted me to buy a rod, and get a license. At first I was like, “Nah, bro. No time.” But he convinced me that I’d love fishing, and after his fourth time urging me, I bought a rod, a licence, and discovered that I actually love fishing. 

That’s what I mean when I tell you sometimes a “No,” doesn’t always mean, “No.” It usually means, “Not yet.” 

I can’t count how many times I’ve made a move on a girl, like trying to affectionately touch her, kiss her, or just make a flirtatious, or direct comment about my attraction for her, only to have her say something like, “No.” 

It’s not usually a flat out, “No!” But more subtle, or passive.

For example, I met this girl at a bar in Budapest, Hungary. After spending a few hours together, I started putting out the vibe that I wanted to kiss her. Longer looks at her lips, more touching, moving my body closer to hers. However, I felt her grow wary of my advances, or uncomfortable. She sensed the shift in my energy from social to sexual. So I took a step back, and tried a different approach. I just told her, “Sorry I’m being weird. I just really want to make out with you.” 

“Yeah, I can tell,” she said. “But just so you know, it’s not going to happen.” 

So, this was a, “No,” right? Tony from days gone would have figured, “Oh well, game over.” But Tony of present knows that it’s not over. I can try again. She just needs a little time to think about it. 

Most women want you to try again—just not until they’re ready. 

Pay attention to where she steers the conversation, as it betrays where her consciousness is. They’ll toss out subtle, or not so subtle hints that they’re ready. They’ll laugh more at your jokes, even when they’re not funny, they’ll touch you a bit more, and ask more personal questions. “When’s the last time you kissed a girl?” she may ask. 

So knowing the game wasn’t over, I looked at her and said, “I’ve just never kissed a Bulgarian before.” 

“Really?” She replied, seeming to think it over. “Well… now I might think about kissing you, just because.” 

Make Her An Offer

I didn’t want to jump forward, and try to kiss her just yet. I asked if she wanted to check out another bar down the street. She did. Once outside, I gave her a piggy-back ride, smacked her bum once and stuck my tongue down her throat. We made out on and off for the rest of the night. 

Didn’t she just tell me, “It’s not going to happen”? Wasn’t that a, “No”?

There are countless other times, similar situations like this. Women telling me, “Oh, we can’t,” and “I’ll never” and, “Don’t even think about it.” What I’ve found is that women who won’t hook up, od ever verbalize it, unless it’s in their conscious mind already. They won’t say things like, “Don’t you dare try!” or “We will never have sex, so don’t go there.”

 They won’t say anything like this… they’ll leave. They’ll just walk away from you, and avoid your gaze. Women love romance, comfort, sex and pleasure, but they fight constantly against their own nature. So when they’re tempted with an option, they just need to think it over, until the logical mind shuts up, and the emotional, irrational mind takes over. 

It’s your job as a seducer to coax out that playful, emotional, irrational mind: the part of her screaming, “Yes!”

Sexual Priming

Sometimes they take seconds to process, sometimes years. But eventually, most women will hear your offer, whether you verbalized it or not, and if your offer wasn’t too amateurish, there’s a high chance she’ll accept, even though she initially rejected it. 

Another recent example. I met a girl at a hostel in Serbia. She was travelling, and stopped to see an old flame, a guy that worked in the hostel. We started talking and hit it off. Later I texted her, “Leave that guy, come with me.” She replied, “Sorry, but I’m here to see this guy.” 

The next night, she texted me, “What are you up to?” So we met up for a drink, and ended up hanging out all night. She wasn’t getting along well with hostel guy. At one point, I put my hand on her leg, and stroked it gently, commenting on how smooth it was. She said, “Don’t think you can just touch my legs. I’m here with hostel guy. So please stop touching me.” 

“Yeah, but you don’t like him. You like me better.” 

She just smiled. An hour later we were making out. A day later, she left him, and travelled with me. We spent a week together, exploring, fucking, and having a great time. Just another example of how, “No,” seems to rarely mean it. 

I have countless stories like this. That’s what I mean when, “No,” means, “Not yet.” 

Woody Allen even made a movie about this phenomenon, called, “Vicki Christina Barcelona.” Both the women fall for Javier, but it’s the Brunette who puts up the most token resistance, with persistent, “No’s,” until she finally gives in to his relentless charms.

Soft Rejection

Let’s call these situations, soft rejections. They differ from hard rejection, in that the latter is definite, while the former is malleable. 

I’ve rarely put myself into situations with hard rejections. They’re akin shooing away a beggar. You’ll mostly find these hard rejections at night, when you approach a girl, and get the “Talk to the hand,” in the face. I call this red light a hard rejection because she wants absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s when you approach a girl at the mall, and she turns and walks away. It’s when she tells you to fuck off. 

Soft rejections are more of a, “maybe, but not yet,” kind. You’ll have these with women you’ve developed some sort of relationship with. I don’t mean romantic, even. She could be in your class, and you’ve talked about an assignment, or from work, or your social circle. Or maybe you met her at the mall, you’ve had coffee and that’s it. All of these women are potential lovers. They know it, and until they’ve fully decided they want you, they’ll keep you at arms length, in the friend zone. They’ll hit you with soft rejections, and put you into the friend zone, until you’ve won her over. 

Never Become Too Upset

If you’re really into a girl, and she’s not into you, it sucks. But never get pissy, angry, whiney, or angsty when a girl rejects you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a hand in the face, or a polite dismissal. Often, it’s your ability to remain calm and indifferent to her rejection that makes an impression on her. “He didn’t get mad, or cry, or call me a slutty bitch. He’s actually a cool guy. Hmmmm.”

I’ve ended up dating many women who initially rejected me, only because they didn’t know me yet. I like to move fast, and sometimes women aren’t ready to move that fast yet. But later, when they get to know you a little, their feelings change. This can happen quickly, within minutes, or over years. But at some point she’ll decide you’re worthy of sleeping with. But not if you crumble at the first rejection. 

The Friend-Zone

The friend zone will last forever, unless you take drastic action to break out of it. It’s always better to never be friends. You can pre-empt this by putting yourself into the potential lover category, before you’re slotted as friends. She may reject you, but if you remain friends, you’ll never be “just friends” because the offer is still on the table. 

She knows that if she’s with you, there’s always a potential for something more to happen, because you’ve already tried to make that happen. Unlike the friend-zone guy, who’s never made a play, and she has no idea if he ever will, or if he even has a dick, or if he does, knows what it’s used for. 

She doesn’t want him to change his status, for who will she call to complain about the jerk who used her for sex? Who will pick her up when it’s raining and she doesn’t want to spend money on an Uber? Who will move her when she changes apartments? Who will be her therapist? 

So if the friend zone guy tries to kiss her, or tell his real feelings, the “No,” will seem much harder, than from a guy she just met on the dance floor, or at the mall bookstore. The friend has many features that are already ingrained in her psyche, where as the new guy is good for nothing, other than potentially… sex and romance. 

Assume Your Value

Always believe in yourself. You are attractive. You are cool. You are desirable. 

I don’t care if you’re a bridge troll. If you don’t like yourself, why would she? So if you’ve got self-esteem issues, at least lie to yourself. Change the story. And if you know you’re a valuable guy, then she’s not really rejecting you, is she? She’s rejecting a potential life experience. That’s all. 

And at some point, if you make the offer again, she may just see your potential, and change her mind. So never doubt it. 

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