Maintain a Balanced State to Avoid Emotional Exhaustion
I’ve coached about a hundred men now and I’ve noticed recurring and universal patterns in their behaviour We’re all similar, yet the majority of us feel separate and unique, like the human experience hasn’t been played out a billion times. Nope, you’re special. Nobody has ever gone through what you’re going through.
When a student has a certain issue with their game it’s easy to teach them about themselves, because I’ve taught someone else about themselves, because I’ve taught myself about myself. Anyway, enough about how awesome I am. Learning time kids, gather around.
State-fluctuation creates the emotional roller-coaster we experience while learning the attraction game.
A common state fluctuation scenario looks like this:
Man approaches woman. Woman rejects man. Man feels like poo. Cries to himself silently, becomes emotional and beats himself up. His state effectively crashes.
Most guys can handle one rejection, but after four or five they hit the floor and quit.
In scenario two the man approaches a highly receptive woman. They have a good flirt and he is validated. Maybe he gets her contact, or a kiss, or laid. He feels light as air, a god amongst mortals. His state is high.
Imagine feeling both of these fluctuation extremes every time you go out. If you’re serious about learning pickup then you should be going out at least four times a week. That’s a lot of intense emotion, I know from experience. Add approach anxiety (which is similar to fear of death) and most of my students are absolutely exhausted by the end of the day, even though all they did was talk to girls.
Let’s illustrate the absurdity with an analogy:
You find a wallet on the ground containing a lottery ticket for one million dollars. The wallet has no identification. You cash the ticket and spend a sleepless, endorphin-infused night fantasizing about the wonderful things you will buy: A new house, a long trip, pectoral implants. You feel elated, excited, and supremely optimistic.
On the day the ticket clears you notice there is only two hundred thousand dollars in your bank account. Due to an obscure international lottery tax law, you’ve lost nearly all of your million. You feel robbed, dissapointed, angry, frustrated and depressed.
Which emotional state is more powerful? Would you be angry that you lost eight hundred thousand dollars, or happy that you gained two hundred thousand dollars? The negative emotion usually reigns supreme. In fact, the endorphin high you get from a powerful, happy state is so hard to achieve that many turn to drugs and alcohol to simulate the elusive feeling. This is also why people become, “manic,” depressives. It almost feels good to dwell in the lower planes. Kurt Cobain famously sang, “I miss the comfort in feeling sad.”
I see this all the time on bootcamps. My student will approach a girl, receive a positive reaction, collect a phone number, and he will be oh so happy. Then, his next approach won’t go so well so he pouts and whines and grumps about it. “I should have used better vocal tonality! I should have stayed in longer!” The negative emotion overpowers the positive. He completely forgets about his prior success.
You need to maintain an emotional balance. Do not ever become too excited, or too depressed. Enjoy your emotions but do not let them control you. Try to keep an emotional flat-line or a general good feeling throughout, just slightly above the middle line. We’re not designed to experience constant highs and lows for long periods of time.
Fear, joy, fear, relief, fear, anxiety, doubt, joy = Exhaustion
Most people are unable to control their emotions. This is one reason women are so easy to manipulate. You can pump their emotional state up to the point they forget about logic and hook up with you. (Sad but true.)
I believe that what you focus on is what you attract. If you dwell in the darkness, holding hands with loss, despair, anger and frustration, you will attract more darkness. Realize that it’s in human nature to wrestle with pain. We tend to forget the good things. We love to party with angst. Don’t do it.
Maintain a stable emotional frame. The first step to emotional mastery is to become self-aware of your own emotional state.
The next time you find yourself falling into pain, halt the momentum. Try to view the game for what it is: a game. You’re not meant to win all of the time. Try to enjoy playing and put less emphasis on winning. When you reach a Zen like level of emotional balance, great things will happen.
You attract what you feel, as long as you take action towards what you desire.
When a woman sizes you up, she’s testing for your emotional stability. I’m not saying you should act like Batman, cold and emotionless (even though I would love to be Batman)–enjoy your emotions, but be self-aware of them. Don’t let them blindly drive you into the abyss. If you can learn to control your own emotions, you can learn to guide the emotions of others, which is a very useful talent.
Balance is the key. If you can have a girl kiss you on the cheek and another scream at you, yet maintain the same happy balance, you’re doing it right.
And when you do meet a hot girl, do not run fantasy scenarios about how awesome it will be once you hook up over and over in your head. You’re asking for a brutal state crash if she flakes on you. Just be happy that life is grand, you’re alive and working on your goal of creating an awesome life of adventure and joy and girls and freedom. You’re working on it. That’s all that matters.
You are working on it, right? Of course.
***I will be in Se Asia for the next three months. If you are looking for coaching, I am still available for Skype Sessions. Contact me for more info.***
Hi. I’m a 20 yr old ex-homeschooled dude who got out into college and is going crazy with this shit, I just read almost everything on your site tonight. This article is the most interesting imo. this is probably all useless but I feel like posting why I feel that way, its my story if u will.. deleete it if its weird I guess whatever:
I fucked up so hard with the first girl I met, I always thought id be good when i finally got out there, but SO HARD. you wouldnt believe this shit, i did the opposite of everything you say. I asked this girl if she would date me if she was single when she had a bf, I asked her if she was flirting with me or not, i let her tell me im not confident or im not perfect for her etc.. She told me some shit like id kiss you if i was single, meanwhile im on some omg youre so confusing shit… I did everything wrong. I embarrassed myself in front of her and a close guy friend she has. She cancels a plan she makes cuz I wasnt forward enough to get it going, I go into some borderline anxiety attack and then apologize for not making it happen. unreal. I asked the girl what i was /10, and then followed her saying “6 with potential for 1 or 2 more” by saying oh lol i was so worried youd say 2 or 3 something. I cant believe i thought those were good ideas at some point. She asks me to dance in front of her bf and i say no im too shy, so she dances with me while im sitting, and a guy comes up and say ill dance with you and she says no. And guess what? now a few weeks later its that guy friend that is being invited her to place and thanksgiving dinners, while she is too busy for me.
This article is what it is. I finally understand. She put me on top of the world when she said she’d kiss me if she was single, when she says she likes my outfit or w/e, when she msgs me to talk every single night. but what does that give her the power to do? it gives her the power to FUCK ME UP when she didnt go through it when she became single, when she cancelled other plans, etc.
Granted, when she became single I asked her out bcuz I mean i got the balls for that and it actually didnt feel that bad when she laughed and said she doesnt think so, and that im too innocent for her. but when she said after that you should come over in a few weeks tho, and then didnt invite me when the time came.. I fucked up AGAIN and asked her if i did something wrong to cause her to do that. She just say she really busy and what not. So its like the girl doesnt think im good enough for a relationship, and even tho she msg me to talk damn near every day she doesnt think im really good enough to be good friends with either. its real shitty. But this article finally puts it into words. I let her make me happy, that means I give her the chance to make me sad. it cant happen again.
I just wanted to say thanks and tell my story. im a fan. i need to go back and read all of this again to get it in my brain. much love.
With all that said, If I can ask you one question. Or anyone who has experience since obviously I dont.
Is there a girl out there who would take a dude for what he is, and does not need any of this? Special. Is there one? I still hold on to my head this idea that nah, even tho I fucked up with this one and i dont even know what level of friends we are now, I still wouldnt mind her being my first kiss and all that so cant it be that I still have a chance because shes different and while I fucked up shes special enough to eventually gimme that chance? but I guess its supposed to not matter, it shouldnt make me happy if she was. but with this kind of gap between you and everyone else, are you ever truly not alone?
Thanks for commenting. Learning about game can be tough. It’s gonna take work. You’re a brave man for even starting down the path of rehabilitation.
As for “do we need all this?” I’m not sure. Will women ever stop being women? Will the hottest women one day decide they want beta males instead of alphas? I doubt it.
As for being truly alone. Don’t look to women to fill this gap. Look to yourself first, then your family, then your friends. Women are the byproduct of an excellent life. Never, ever depend on them for your happiness.
just out of curiosity, do you have any advice on the friendzone shit? Do you replace em? Reading all of this I assume you treat it like if one girl doesnt like you, or you make a mistake, you just go do it right with the next one and dont worry about it – youre the star of the show and shes just a small character in your life so who cares.
Is that because you dont want to put effort in, or because you’ve found girls once they shut that window its gone forever?
I wonder if I still can make it up with this one somehow.
ah theres no edit. I meant to also say- my question wasn’t about if women will settle for lesser guys.
Its more of something of a personal belief about life, I guess. Do you believe in fate? Anything like that? Are you naturally predetermined to act right with the right girls, are you gonna end up happy and have hot gfs as long as you just work on yourself and live your life without ever thinking about any of this stuff? If i didnt find this site, would I have died alone without ever banging a hot girl? What if you missed out on the girl you would have spent the rest of your life if you had not known any of this, just chilled at the bar and decided to make a move to the girl eyeing you but instead you were getting blown in the bathroom and never talked to again?
stuff like that.
The lottery example is great.
I think most of the anxiety comes after the first night close. I had a good make out session, or even more. The next day I add the girl on Facebook, attach a picture of her on my field report, my friends give me props after they see my “new hot fb friend”, I start to plan on how to bring her to my place… all that. And then she stops responding, or she responds, but does not engage… crap. I even forget the good part, kissing, grabbing their asses, even fucking then, and start to question what I have done wrong in the interaction.
I am getting better at this,but it is hard. Having many girls in parallel helps. If I have two flakes, I have other two that are responding.
Yo Tony, this was purely an awesome article. totally can relate to this as one of the main things I’m working on nowadays, kind of like always keeping composure not just on the outside of body language, but on the inside on a emotional level as well. Kind of like always keeping a cool, happy Zen feeling/attitude. Thanks for the article, hope more’s coming!
Good stuff. Keep me posted with your adventures in SE Asia.