How Can I Win Her Back?

A despondent young Redditor at r/relationships is asking “How can I win her back?”

While some of the commenters told him the truth,—that his neediness was his downfall, they failed to give any actionable advice on how to “win” his girl back.

Let this letter be a warning to all you young lovers out there:

You can’t dig yourself out of a hole. You have to build a ladder.

Or in the famous words of David Deangelo: “Be the prize.”

I’ll break his post down.

I started dating an amazing girl a few weeks ago, we’d been seeing each other/talking for maybe a month or so before that. And right out of the gate, things were intense. She started referring to me as her love, telling me how much she really, really liked me and how happy I made her feel. She seemed completely smitten with me, which allowed me to be pretty comfortable around her.

Well, I had said too much– about my doubts, concerns, insecurities and fears of the relationship of how she might leave me this way or that way, and blah blah. All that caused her to start thinking about things and she became distant the last few days, barely talking to her. We had weekend getaway plans that she whittled down to a day trip, then kept postponing the times to eventually she’ll let me know because she had a procedure done yesterday and wasn’t feeling well.

Male vulnerability backfires when expressed in the seduction phase.

If what you’re doing works, don’t change it. If she doesn’t reply to your texts, don’t text her beyond setting up an irl date. If she flakes on your date, don’t ask for another until significant time has passed, or she contacts you.

Let her invest in the relationship.

Getting “real” about your doubts and insecurities will almost always kill the vibe.

In a man, women are attracted to strength, leadership, positivity, independence, and abundance mentality. By wearing your heart on your sleeve too early, you destroy that illusion of independent strength, and create a future projection in her mind.

Every hot woman has dated a needy, childish, clingy manboy, and they know the warning signs. Picture a man on a leash, stiletto boot on face, sucking a baby bottle and crying. At worst, picture a stalker. This is her future, and she knows it. 

He continues:

So, I texted her saying that I couldn’t stand idly by while she felt that way- and I headed over to her place with flowers, food and medicine. I was there for 4 hours and we talked for a bit. Her telling me on one hand she really liked me and wanted me to stay all day with her but the other doubted she could give me what I wanted. We eventually kissed a lot and she rolled over on top of me, telling me she’ll see me tomorrow, which I doubted. She walked me out, kissed me goodbye and said she’d call me later.

While showering a woman with gifts might buy you her ear, it’s a strategy best employed for sincere apologies—like when you forget an anniversary, or get busted grinding with her best friend.

In this case the aggrieved is apologizing for being flaked on. 

When a woman flakes on you, the best bet is to pull back the attention, not shower her with more. 

Show some self respect. Often the best action, is no action. After all, a man of abundance has other dating options, right?

Being attractive is attractive. 

She should feel that if she doesn’t work for your time and attention, she will lose you to another. This challenge will keep her invested, emotionally engaged, and active in maintaining her man’s interest.

The above behaviour is akin to the dog owner who strokes and kid talks her Rottweiler when he snaps at baby strollers. This reinforces negative behaviour. This is why women will pull back attention at the first signs of neediness.

Well she called later and said she thought all afternoon and felt awful because she’s concluded she can’t give me what I want and all she has to offer is friendship because she finally just became comfortable with being herself and thought she was ready for something like this but doesn’t think so anymore. We were on the phone for 40min, while I rambled trying to change her mind and get a 2nd chance. When I asked her, she paused and it worried me so I kept rambling and then she hung up on me. And that was it.

When your lady tells you she needs “space” you give it. You don’t beg for forty minutes; you go out and meet more women. You gladly and politely give her the space, so that you can meet more women. 

The worst thing you can possibly do is plead and beg, gift and bargain for a renewal of interest. While you may figure you are being a nice guy, she will see you as manipulative, weak, and clingy. 

I haven’t had something like this in years and I don’t want to lose it so soon after such an intense first few weeks where we were completely enthralled with each other, experiencing all these amazing moments– please anybody, what can I do to win her over again? I really don’t want to go back to online dating again…

Then don’t. Learn how to cold approach women like a real man. The only time you should use online dating is if you look like Ryan Gosling, have the value of Ryan Gosling, or are pipelining for an overseas trip. Otherwise you’re just contributing to the cultural decline. That’s just my experience. 

It sucks to lose someone you’re infatuated with, but this is the lesson: Neediness is unattractive. Desperation is attraction repellant.

You don’t chase a fleeing cat.

If you’re desperate for practical advice, Here’s the only strategies I’ve found to work:

Raise your value

You can do this in two ways:

-Get a hotter girlfriend (Pre Selection)

-Increase your social status (Social Proof)

Pre Selection

If you get a hotter girlfriend, you probably won’t care about the old one. But if you do, simply post an innocuous pic of you and the new, hotter girl, on any social media that you share. Women are hyper competitive. 

Most women would rather share an alpha than be monogamous with a beta.

If you don’t have a new, hotter gf then learn how to cold approach.

On my bootcamps, one exercise is to ask women for selfies. Most are down. I’ve tried this many times, and often within hours of posting a pic, exes and flakes will start messaging me asking “Who’s the girl?”

Social Proof

I remember a girl I used to pursue who wouldn’t give me a minute of her time…until she saw my band. That night, she walked 45 minutes in the rain to my doorstep and asked me out.

When I was on the front page of the newspaper, every ex girlfriend, and most of the girls I liked that had rejected me prior, contacted me for coffee. 

When I published my first novel, most of my exes contacted me to ask if they were in it. At first I was worried they would be mad if they were, but it was the opposite—they were disappointed that they weren’t.

Social proof is the most powerful aphrodisiac in the world.

Conclusion

In my humble opinion, if your gf dumps you, meet more women, post a few pics, and move on. Most likely once you understand female psychology, and improve your game and social skills, you won’t care about her anymore anyway. 

There are billions of single, attractive, intelligent women out there. Why waste time in damage control when you can demonstrate your value by attracting more women. This is the snowball effect: The more you roll, the bigger the ball. Otherwise you melt into nothing.