She Succ Me Into an Existential Crisis

“All Aboard The Succ Train.”

Some things just need to be shared.

Wasting time on Reddit and I stumble across this gem on r/sex. Could this be some new form of relationship game? Is this man an evil genius, an autistic, or just trolling his gf, seeing how far he can go?

You decide.

Before I begin — I know this is going to sound like a joke, but please trust that it is real. You can be as skeptical as you want, but I’m the one who has to live out this nightmare.

I [24f] have been dating this new guy [26m] for the past 3 months and it’s been going swimmingly. He’s charming, funny, not a slob (important), we click, yada yada. The sex is also passionate and usually really good. His head game is on point and I reciprocate often. When giving him a blowjob he is vocal, which can’t be said for many guys.

There is only one issue. He has a very “memey” sense of humor, which I generally enjoy. When I’m going down on him, he’ll squirm and moan, but will only say variants of

Give me the succ

In the past 3 months I have kept mental note of all of these variant interjections. They include but are not limited to

• She succ me
• She succ me through my boxers
• She succ me with no clothes on
• Succ baby succ
• I get the succ
• All aboard the succ train
• How to get the succ
• I’m like the Zucc but I get more succ
• 60 minutes of succ
• Succy succy long time
• Fat succ
• She want to fucc but first she succ
• Damn she fine when she succ
• Deep succ
• She succ me to Mars
• She succ me to Antarctica
• She succ me underground
• Gimme dat first-class succ
• She got a masters in succ
• She got a PhD in succ
• Succ as a second language
• Suh
• Succ me like a hungry baby
• Succ me into an existential crisis
• Gimme dat succ-out-of-jail-free card
• Succ at a 100
• The first rule of succ club is give me the succ

I swear this is all he will say. If you don’t believe me, I failed nearly every creative writing class in high school so there is no way I could’ve come up with all that shit. At first I thought it was the funniest thing on the planet. It’s still funny. But it’s hard to do my job when I can’t stop cracking up. It’s getting to the point where I can’t really give him oral anymore because I start cackling even before we begin.

I kind of want him to stop because it’s getting old, but then he will pull out some new outlandish phrase and grin devilishly as I struggle to pleasure him without choking on my own laughter. It’s interfering with our foreplay at this point. We’ve spoken about it outside of the bedroom and he doesn’t seem to take it seriously because I can’t confront him about it without breaking down into bouts of laughter. And I kind of don’t know if I want it to stop because it’s so god damn ridiculous.

Please help me figure out if this is becoming a problem or if I’ve entered some sort of succ twilight zone that bestows immortality.

Suck me like a hungry baby.

Is this self-amusement at it’s most verile? Or just Ritalin fuelled verbal diarrhea?

I’ve done medieval knight-on-princess rape fantasies, but never in my life said, “She succ me to Antartica,” as if I’m narrating Penthouse fan-fiction. 

Not yet!

Usually humour is best left before the sex (to ease the tension.) Sex is supposed to be fun. But it’s better for the girl when it’s sexy, and dramatic, rather than humorous, imo. 

I’ve done some funny/really weird things: like pretending to be the mutant from Goonies and saying, “Baby Ruth?” mid thrust. But usually girls laugh and dry up, squealing, “Tony Doooonnnn’t do that!”

Maybe it’s because we’ve been programmed by Hollywood’s MKULTRA that sex should be dramatic, and stoic, and lovingly violent aka Fifty Shades of Grey, rather than funny. 

But isn’t it? Getting naked, rolling around exchanging fluids, slapping flesh noises and quiffs, and fails, and it’s all quite awkward and weird. It’s funny!

These lines are comedy gold. Like a scene from Seinfeld, or Friends. 

The next time I get an award winning bj, it’s going to be tough not to look up at God, fist pump and blurt, “She Succ me into an existential crisis!”

***P.S., if you like to read about sex, and laugh, you’ll enjoy my novel, A Thousand Tiny Failures. Grab it on Amazon.***