What is Ego? A Guide For Men

We all know that guy with an out-of-control ego. 

(This guide is gender non-specific, but since I speak to men, I’m using the masculine.) 

He doesn’t listen to reason, misinterprets helpful advice as personal attack, makes excuses rather than taking responsibility, lies, manipulates, lacks emotional control, and usually suffers from fear, depression and anxiety. 

He’s just not cool. 

If it seems like he has voices in his head giving him all of the wrong information, making him act and talk crazy, it’s because he does. That’s the ego. It’s always chattering, judging, positioning, arguing, defending, criticizing and condemning. 

You say one wrong thing to this guy (usually by telling him the truth), and he flies off the handle, screams, cries, goes into a violent rage, or stops talking and shuts down all communication completely. 

You’re probably thinking this sounds like childish behaviour; and you’d be accurate. However it affects the adult mind just as deviously, however, more subtly. 

For the remainder of this guide we’ll just call these men, “Unconscious.” 

Individual vs Collective Unconsciousness

The unconscious effect of the ego isn’t confined to the individual. 

It finds strength in numbers. You can see its effects on a global scale, most prevalently in politics. As of 2024, it is most obvious in left wing politics, and politically correct woke culture, which is  particularly unconscious at the moment. 

This South Park clip of the unconscious ego-maniac Cartmen surrounding himself with “bullet-proof windows, troll-safe doors,” where “everybody likes me, and nobody judges me” in his “safe space” is an astute parody that shines light on the unconscious mind of an ego-maniac, and how it finds power for its delusions in the herd. 

That is until “Reality” crashes the party with “truth.” However, the power of the unconscious collective overcomes reality, and banishes him like a mist. 

The Ego is “Me.” 

If the ego has a voice, it sounds like: “Me, me, me, me, I, me, I. me” 

It is completely self-centred, isolated, and selfish. 

For example, you are having a conversation with an unconscious man who is very out of shape, and you say, “I’ve been hitting the gym hard the last week.” 

The self-centred nature of the ego interprets this as a personal attack on their lifestyle or values, and he replies: “Don’t think you’re better than me because you’re obsessed with your body.” 

Everything the egoic man hears, sees or experiences is interpreted as directly relating to the, “I,” by the ego. 

This unconscious psychosis is wonderfully portrayed in the film, “Being John Malkovich,” where actor John Malkovich crawls inside of his own head only to be confronted by endless versions of himself, repeating back to him, his own name. 

Ego is Identity 

Ego is identity – It is you. It’s your self image of who you “think,” you are. It’s your thoughts, emotions and all the beliefs you hold to be true. 

“Money is the root of all evil.” 

“Women are all selfish.” 

“I prefer vanilla to chocolate.” 

“Cops are evil.” 

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” 

“I’m not a morning person.” 

“I don’t like Yoga.” 

“I’m a dentist.” 

The ego loves to think in absolutes. It identifies in black and white, right and wrong. Nuance, critical thought, and open mindedness are not in its vocabulary. 

The Ego Separates

The ego separates you from everything else. Meaning everything else is not you. That person, that race, that table, that country. 

It is constantly pinging the social environment to orient itself within the hierarchy. It craves recognition and power within the group. This is why the unconscious man who gets a taste of power becomes a tyrant, or why famous and popular people become depressed and suicidal. 

No amount of validation is ever enough. 

The Ego Wants to Survive

The ego is clingy and self preservational. It holds you back from doing anything it considers dangerous. It doesn’t want to explore reality for what it really is… a game and an illusion. 

It doesn’t just protect you from physical harm, but also societal harm. 

For example, if you were walking in the woods and saw bear scat (poop) your inner dialogue might say, “Cancel the camping trip. You’re not a bear. We’re out of here.” 

But the ego also sees death in social exclusion. Say you want to go to a party but you don’t have any new clothes. Your ego will say, “Don’t go to that party without some new duds. Everyone will think you’re a slob.” 

It will say anything to convince you to stay in your comfort zone. 

The last thing it wants is for you to take a risk, and embarrass yourself. 

The Ego is Terrified of Being Alone

The unconscious are obsessed with what other people think about them. Especially those it deems to be superior. 

The ego constantly pings the environment to see where it fits in, and how it’s being observed, judged, approved of and criticized. It needs constant validation to prove it’s worth in the group. 

This is why men are terrified of approaching women. If they get rejected it can lower their status in the group.

Cult leaders and advertisers manipulate the unconscious into thinking they need to fit in. In order to do so, all they need is this new product, or to perform actions for the group, no matter how absurd, illogical or morally corrupt. 

Even though it sees itself as individual and isolated, it hates solitude. 

The Ego Creates Stories 

The unconscious have a constant, never ending stream of voices rattling in their head. “Why did that person say that?” “Why did she make that face?” “What does this text message really mean?” 

The ego acts like a drunk snake oil salesman, constantly telling stories where it’s the writer, producer, director, and the unconscious man is the unwitting actor in its play. 

For example, a friend once received a text from her friend. She read it out loud in a snarky, irritated voice: “She texted me ‘Why don’t you just meet us at six! Why is she being such a bitch?” 

The girl who sent that text may have been calm, and polite when she typed the message. But the ego tells the story, creating the fiction that this sender had emotional intent behind her words. This is also why text messages are the worst form of communication. There’s too much room for egoic interpretation. 

It Creates a Permanent Sense of Lack

The ego is never satisfied with what it has. 

If it has a new car and sees a man with a faster car, it feels diminished. If it desires sex, once it is gratified it wants more and more sex, from more and more women. If it has money, it needs more money. 

This is perfectly exemplified in this scene from American Psycho, where Patrick Bateman is showing off his new business cards, only to become diminished when his peer shows off his own similar, but possibly superior business cards. Notice how these businessmen fret over trivial things like their suit fabric and dinner reservations at exclusive supper clubs. 

All of this superficiality is empty and meaningless, but the ego attaches significance to it. 

Ego Exists Everywhere, in Every Time, Except the Present 

The ego is never still. 

It is constantly dwelling on the past, or plotting for the future. It chirps its stories, schemes, comparisons and opinions in a never ending dialogue. 

Yesterday I saw two idiots having an argument in a restaurant. One man said to the other, “Andrew, why don’t you leave. Nobody likes you!” 

Andrew sat in silence for several minutes, but you could tell his ego was chattering away. Finally he stood up, approached the man and tried to start a fight, yelling, “Fuck you Jason! You don’t know me!” 

Of course, they both looked and sounded foolish. I’m sure they’ll dwell on this moment for years to come, and plot their future revenge. 

It is Prideful and Narcissistic 

The ego is prideful and narcissistic. It cherishes its opinions, positionalities, and beliefs under the false presumption that these thoughts came from it, rather than from its collected experiences. 

The unconscious man needs to feel right. Whether he’s in the right, or the wrong, He needs to win every battle. The truth doesn’t matter, only domination and victory. 

His sense of self-worth is derived not from an authentic esteem, but from his imagined position within the social hierarchy. While he acts as if he loves himself, he’s truly unfulfilled, needy, and desperate for recognition. 

This is why he must boast of his accomplishments, display his prized possessions, belittle others for their shortcomings. The prideful man craves validation like a vampire craves blood. 

The Ego is the Prime Source of Life’s Suffering

Because the ego desires more than can ever satiate it, it is never satisfied. This creates deep suffering. 

These desires: to have more, be admired, to be who they are not, creates a bottomless sense of lack and resentment towards those it believes have what it wants. 

It sees itself as the victim of circumstance rather than the creator of its reality. And because of this sense of diminishment it’s willing to lie, cheat and steal to achieve its goals of obtaining more. This attachment leads to suffering not only for the unconscious man, but for all those who cross his path. 

Hate, violence, war, destruction, are all constructs of the ego. As are internal conflict: fear, anxiety, anger, cynicism, and depression.

The Ego Attaches itself to Labels

The unconscious man loves his labels. His body, name, race, gender, religious beliefs, feeling, emotions, thoughts, opinions are all labels. 

“I’m a vegan.” 

“I’m a Democrat.” 

“I’m a Canadian.” 

“I’m an athlete.” 

“He’s a racist.” 

“She’s a bitch.” 

The reality is, we’re all meat and bones, but the ego can’t exist by simply, “being.” Without its labels, it has no point of orientation, and ceases to exist. 

It Creates an Illusory Self

The Illusory self is the personal self, lower self, thinker, feeler, and doer.  It is animal in nature, based on survival instinct. 

It is self centred and self grasping by nature. Thinking in terms of relationships. It selects, sorts, classifies, discriminates, and identifies with what it perceives as similar and beneficial to its survival and dominance. 

All of this is fiction, a story, born of accumulated experiences. 

Even in dating it thinks only of the self, it has no concept of male/female polarity. Only the illusion that is either good enough, or not.

By playing this game it places itself in the centre of the Universe, for all to see, admire, worship and approve of. It thinks this will bring it happiness and fulfilment, but none of it is real. It’s all an illusion. 

The Ego is a Tangled Mess

Imagine the ego like a mass of tangled cords. To sort it out you have to start with each line and individually guide it out of the mess. Sometimes the chords are wrapped so tight the only way to free them is by moving onto other cords. 

The unconscious man is walking through life with his cords wrapped so tightly, it’s like he can’t even breathe. To even consider untangling the mess is enough to shut him down. 

But to untangle this mess brings great freedom. It unlocks the potential for energy to flow freely, without restraint. Unfortunately it requires dedicated focus, and deep inner work. The ego is very lazy when it comes to work that diminishes its power. 

The Benefits of Killing Your Ego

When I say, “Killing your ego,” of course I’m being metaphorical. It’s impossible to completely eliminate it. The only way to completely eliminate it would be to die. And we don’t want that; life is too much fun. 

However, by bringing awareness to the ego, we can wake up from the sleepwalk, become conscious of it, and its negative effects on our life. 

The benefits of becoming a conscious man:

By waking up we become/gain:

• Less judgemental
• Less stuck to boundaries and limitations
• More calm and centred
• Less neurotic and anxious
• More comfortable in ourselves and around others
• Less concerned what others think of us 
• Better at life performance in every area 
• Less suffering from unfulfilled desires
• More Personal power and energy 
• Control over self and emotions
• More aware that we are part of everything, and everything part of us
• Less binary, stuck between what we perceive as, “good,” and “bad.” 
• More open minded and willing to try new ideas and endeavours
• Able to See the world through relativity
• Able to access a higher expansion of consciousness
• Less identified with thought
• More present to the moment, and less living in the past and future
• Overall, more happy, peaceful, free, confident and content 
• More attractive, charismatic, and beautiful to others 
• And even more… 

Who knows, you could even become enlightened. 

Imagine being able to stop bullets with your will alone, like Neo in The Matrix. 

Not saying you could stop bullets, but winning at life as a conscious man feels a lot like that scene. 

How To Free Yourself from Ego 

Freeing yourself from Ego is no easy task. There are spiritual gurus who spend their entire lives meditating and working to solve this riddle. Personally, I’m nowhere even close to killing mine. 

This problem would take another article or series of books to explain completely. But we can start here. 

You can awaken yourself from the sleepwalk simply by bringing awareness to your thoughts. Where are you right now? Are you focused on one thing, or is your mind scattered like a flock of chirping birds? 

Whenever you slip into negativity, bring awareness to how you feel and bring back the positive vibes. You could even try a 30 day positivity challenge.

Where are you right now? How does your body feel? What is the wind doing? Are there other people nearby? Are you consumed by thought, or living in the now? 

Meditation 

Meditation is the ancient practice of silencing the mind and bringing awareness to the present moment. 

I do it on a daily basis and it’s changed my life. It helped me cure my depression, become a very happy guy, attract women, manifest wealth, and so much more. 

You could take a course, read a book, or watch countless meditation tutorials on Youtube. 

It’s not hard. It’s the easiest thing in the world. Just close your eyes, focus on your breathing, relax, and ignore your chattering monkey mind. 

There is also the route of hallucinogens. I’m not advising this, just saying that many people use psychoactive substances like DMT to experience ego death. 

And also, wake up every day and give gratitude for everything you have: safety, abundance, love, health, and move forward knowing this life is all an illusion, and temporary. That’s a good thing! 

Consider life a game, and you need to play it joyfully, no matter what happens, or what cards you’re given. 

The Best Book on Ego 

One of the first books I ask every client to read is, “A New Earth,” by Eckhart Tolle. I call it ego for dummies. 

It’s a fantastic book that has a new age vibe, but it’s just as popular with pickup artists as with yoga moms. This book will teach more about how ego works, the destructive nature of it, and the benefits of, “killing,” your ego than any other psychology book I’ve read.

And yes, it will help you with the ladies, tremendously. Not only to attract them, but to also keep them in your life. 

Tony Depp